A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!