therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird