My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
🖤✌🏽
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?