me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My blood type is b hungry.