Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”