I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Goat cheese is for herders.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.