Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
#NeverForget
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.