Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.
So…we’re conserving toilet paper, but eating all our food?
I don’t think we did the math on that one.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.