when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
when you order from DoorDastardly
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
