Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?