my dad when a sex scene comes on
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
