Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that