Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
😩😩😩
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
<- sleeps well with others
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians