“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.