Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
When your best mate counts as a desk too
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing