whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract