Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope