I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID