o shit
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
is this how new cars are made??
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen