@ErrenMichaels

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

@ErrenMichaels

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

@ErrenMichaels

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

@ErrenMichaels

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

@ErrenMichaels

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’