[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids