On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.