Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
You Might Also Like
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.