Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
The struggle is real
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I love wikipedia
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things