Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
So, can we agree on 4 or
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.