[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.