Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
You’ll be OK
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.