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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.