Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too