A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.