Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!