i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*