The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Only you can prevent podcasts
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.