The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
A Monday every week is excessive
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?