Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Extremely relatable.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.