Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of FU_TangClan's best tweets

@FU_TangClan : my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

@FU_TangClan: [first little league game]

me: knock ‘em dead son

son: thanks pa

me: destroy them

son: what

me: kill them all

son: [crying]

me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL

@FU_TangClan: me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’m gonna turn this car around and none of us are going to prison

@FU_TangClan: me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@FU_TangClan: me: so... you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

@FU_TangClan: My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

@FU_TangClan: As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

@FU_TangClan: her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

@FU_TangClan: “Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

@FU_TangClan: [at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together