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@FU_TangClan : Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
@FU_TangClan: Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
@FU_TangClan: Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither
@FU_TangClan: Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
@FU_TangClan: I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
@FU_TangClan: Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
@FU_TangClan: Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
@FU_TangClan: Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I'm not your wife
@FU_TangClan: Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
@FU_TangClan: Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* ...now?