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Page of FU_TangClan's best tweets

@FU_TangClan : Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

@FU_TangClan: Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

@FU_TangClan: Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@FU_TangClan: Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

@FU_TangClan: Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

@FU_TangClan: Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@FU_TangClan: Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I'm not your wife

@FU_TangClan: Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

@FU_TangClan: Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* ...now?