Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
early stone age tool
THE AUDACITY. 😤
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.