Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of FatherWithTwins's best tweets

@FatherWithTwins : My 9yo just made a "protein shake" out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I'm making him my new nutritionist.

@FatherWithTwins: Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

@FatherWithTwins: Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@FatherWithTwins: People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@FatherWithTwins: I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you're carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

@FatherWithTwins: My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What's a zombie's favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I've never been more proud.

@FatherWithTwins: You don't know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

@FatherWithTwins: WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you'll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.