If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.