Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.