[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.