What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*