@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

@Faux_Ma

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

@Faux_Ma

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@Faux_Ma

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”