Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.