I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you