Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.