Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis