[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.