Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.