I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Good morning.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.