I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.