What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Me: *stops shaving*
Passing zookeeper: *shoots me with a tranquilizer dart*
I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”