Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Fickle_Filly's best tweets

@Fickle_Filly : My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

@Fickle_Filly: I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

@Fickle_Filly: Look me in the eye and tell me you love me...

No, not the glass one.

@Fickle_Filly: I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@Fickle_Filly: I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@Fickle_Filly: Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@Fickle_Filly: If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@Fickle_Filly: "Where have you been all my life?"

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

@Fickle_Filly: People who use the phrase "Correct me if I'm wrong..." clearly don't know me very well.

@Fickle_Filly: The birds that suddenly appear every time I'm near are circling vultures.