@Fickle_Filly

I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.

@Fickle_Filly

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

@Fickle_Filly

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

@Fickle_Filly

You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.