@Fickle_Filly

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

@Fickle_Filly

What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

@Fickle_Filly

Me: *stops shaving*

Passing zookeeper: *shoots me with a tranquilizer dart*

@Fickle_Filly

I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.

@Fickle_Filly

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”